Things ladies do when they are lonely…Read below:
1. Dance to Destiny’s Child in the mirror to see how good your moves are.
2. Pretend to be a stripper in the mirror just to see if you could pull it off.
3. Lie on the ground and stretch your legs in a sort of naked DIY yoga.
4. Check to see if your tampon string is showing.
5. Investigate the size of your fanny.
6. Wonder if it is a normal size.
7. Get a mirror so you can have a proper look at all the flaps and inner workings.
8. Feel vaguely horrified.
9. Feel horrified you were horrified.
10. Think to yourself, All vaginas are beautiful, even if secretly you’re not sure they are.
11. Push your boobs together to see how good your cleavage is.
12. Push your boobs up so they look like you’re in Pride and Prejudice.
13. Let them flop down again and wonder if they have sagged a lot since last year.
14. Remember this is the best they will ever look for the rest of your life.
15. Feel anxious about aging.
16. Watch in amusement at what your nipples do when you go from warm to cold.
17. Try to get the nipples into their warm state again, but fail.
18. Investigate your belly button for fluff and other mysteries.
19. Clean out your belly button.
20. Check to see if you have any stray pubes roaming up your belly.
21. Pull out the marauding pubes.
22. Or leave them if you like ’em.
23. Stand in the mirror side-on and push out your belly so you can see what you’d look like pregnant.
24. Try to hold in your belly as much as you can to see if you can make it completely flat.
25. Let it all hang out again and realise you’re just not a flat-bellied girl and never will be.
26. Stand side-on and see if you have a perky bum.
27. Wonder if your bum is sagging.
28. Decide you don’t give a shit.
29. Put on a full face of drag queen-level makeup and strut a pretend runway towards the mirror to see if you’re as good as the queens on Drag Race.
30. Realise you aren’t as good as the queens on Drag Race.
31. Use a vibrator.
32. Use something as a vibrator that wasn’t intended for that purpose but still works very well.
33. Sit on the floor and contemplate your entire life for 10 minutes.
34. Check out how hairy your bikini line is.
35. Lie for hours on your bed, neck-deep in your ex’s Instagram feed.
36. Take an ugly selfie.
37. Sit down and see how many belly rolls you have.
38. Pluck your toe hair.
39. Look in the mirror and think, I like me. (If you don’t do this last one, you should.)